....yeah, read me being brutally honest about my crappy parenting.
And for those of you who tried to watch the video I posted earlier today, well, lets just say my husband messed it up and now I have to upload it again and I really don't feel like it right now. I'll probably try tonight right before I go to bed so it can load while I sleep :-). Check back again tomorrow.
Anyways, on to my parenting woes. I really feel like I need to get it all out there to make myself feel better. Lately I have found it extremely difficult to control my anger and frustration towards my two year old. I'm not beating her or anything but my, oh my, have I found it very hard not to at times. I don't know if it's just that I suck at parenting this age or if we just have some growing to do in our mother/daughter relationship. I find the babies and older kids SO MUCH EASIER. I think AK and I are a lot alike in our personalities so that doesn't exactly help the two of us one bit. Both stubborn, both want to be in control, both are impatient, both want it our way. Wow, humbling to describe myself that way but that's how I am on my worst days. It's like we need to break each other. I need to break her in that she isn't the center of the universe and she needs to break me in being more loving, playful, calm and gentle with her and with people in general. I think because our personality is so unlike the descriptive words in the previous sentence that I find it hard to remember that no matter how disobedient, stubborn and flat out nuts she can be that she still needs her mommy's gentle love. Maybe I'm wrong because it's SO EASY to love on her when we're having good days. I don't know.
I think my husband's new job has greatly intensified whatever is going on in me. On the days he works he has to leave the house by 5:15 pm, be at work by 6 pm, gets off at 6:30 am and doesn't get home until 7 am. He then sleeps until around 3 pm and then turns around and leaves for work shortly after he gets up. On the days he doesn't go in he sleeps until 3 and then he's up with us the rest of the day. Today I was thinking, "WHAT about his schedule make things so hard on me?" and I think I finally figured it out. We never get a full day as a family together and I never get a full days worth of co-parenting. There is no weekend for us. He keeps the same schedule whether he works or not because it's so hard on his body to flip back and forth. It sucks.
I never get to sleep in. I never get to wake up and lay in bed for an extra 30 minutes to gather my thoughts, plans or emotions. I hardly ever get to do anything by myself-I always have a little one in tow. I have more opportunities than anyone to be more inconsistent, more frustrated, more "mean". I spank more. I yell more. I get pushed over the edge more and I hate myself for it.
I'm just realizing, as I type this, that when I'm most angry and frustrated I totally become passive with AK and let her kind of do what she wants until I can calm my nerves because if I don't do that I feel like I'm going to explode. But I wonder if that just makes it worse?! Basically what I need to learn is how to stay in control of her AND MYSELF, continue on with the rules and discipline in a calm manner no matter how bad my blood is boiling and when it's all over with I can lock myself in a room and calm down quietly. Now, I just need to implement it. Hmmm.
I know no matter how terrible my two year old is being she doesn't deserve for me to be so frustrated with her. It's just so dang hard. Sometimes I tell her, "if you would JUST LISTEN to mommy.........", but really, would I be different or would my uncontrolled anger and frustration just be hiding under a rug somewhere until someone trips and rolls themselves up in my rug like a burrito and it's exposed again? Yeah, I don't know and I really don't want to be dealt the answer right now. I just want everything to fix itself.
I want someone to offer to take my kids and force me to go out, ALONE, and treat myself to something nice. I want my husband to tell me he thinks I'm a good mother EVEN THOUGH I have a ton of flaws. I want family time. I want to sleep in. I want an uninterrupted hot shower atleast three times a week. I want my child to just obey me the first time I say something. I want both kids to cooperate at all times when we're in public. I want to remain calm, cool and collected at all times. Period. End of story.
3 comments:
Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? We all go through seasons where we wonder how our child made it through the day without us exploding all over them.
We all get so incredibly frustrated that we just want to sit and cry or scream or hit until someone comes flying into our rescue.
As generic as this sounds, pray earnestly, spend 5 more minutes in the Word (or if you're like me during these seasons - just spend 5 minutes period) and give it all over to God minute by minute by minute.
Praying He will sustain you.
I think that every single mom can relate to you. If she says she can't, she's lying. It's part of motherhood.
I think that AK is a lot like Autumn. For almost 3 years, Autumn was the center of attention and I think the addition of Aubrey was a HUGE reality check! She became super testy all.the.time.! I can tell you that Autumn has gotten SO much better now that Aubrey is older. Since Aubrey isn't as needy as an infant, things are more about Autumn AND Aubrey not just Aubrey as the priority. Plus, I think she has figured out that she now has a friend under her roof!
With that being said, there have been numerous times that I have ran to the bathroom to collect myself. I haven't had to nearly as much here lately.
Motherhood is certainly a tough job. Good luck!!!
Oh Tia I'm sorry you are having a rough time...but thank you SO MUCH for posting this.
I am not exaggerating when I say that I feel as if I was reading my own words just then. I have been going through the same thing with Caden! I feel so awful for getting mad and yelling at him and I know I have to be the bigger person, but it's just like you said! I am exhausted, stressed, over worked, worried about Cameron and Cody works late every night and is only home for about an hour before the boys go to sleep.
I hope that things improve for you! I will say a special prayer just for you and your family today! :)
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